Among other things

At first glance this might seem to be an unfair and cruel rant on modern fashion.

I know that would be an odd and superficial tone coming from the great giver of light and knowledge. I just want to say that it is impossible to be chivalrous, even in my often outlandish and awkward way, towards people that look like they slipped on a patch of ice and slammed right into an electrified rainbow.

Ah yes, what, you might ask, is the electrified rainbow? It is a rainbow that has insane amounts of electricity flowing through it the like of which have never thought to have been possible. The unfortunate violent reactions are (for men): an odd spike of hair popping out of the the top of the head (oftentimes changing colour)and/or other hair anomalies (though less common), the jeans are burnt and take on a rusted colour and shrink to inhumanely small sizes, shirts adapt the overall fanciful gaiety of the rainbow from which they sprang, and their once proud symbols of virility, yeah the beard, are charred to the point to which only embarrassing attempts can be made at true beardiness.

For women, it is the warrior-paint anomaly (the reasoning for this is as follows: 1. since girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice, and 2. collide with the electrified rainbow, then 3. two negatives make a positive and women wear warrior-paint of many colours often worn not to attract men as previously thought but as a warning like so so many exotic creatures of the deep jungles), their once crowning virtue of femininity, their hair, is either burnt short to resemble something of a hedgehog or the warrior-paint anomaly is further exacerbated long locks of not blond hair (as commonly held) but a lion's mane slowly taking over their once prominent locks. Truly, not only their femininity but also their humanity is undone by the double-negative reaction (reasoning shown previously) as feet and calves are replaced by TACKY UGG™BOOTS!!! (take that RoboCop)

Bereft of humanity these poor creatures wander our streets. Oblivious to the metamorphosis, that would have made Kafka wail in unending agony, that they have endured they are the cause of the prolonging of winter and the propagation of the 'slip and smash of the ignorant into that most repulsive of rainbows.

Oh cruelties of cruelties! Oh mockery of mockeries! Oh misery of miseries! Alas! the rainbow has been their downfall and my chivalry hath none effect! Alas, all of mine...is chivalry in the wind.